Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
