I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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