We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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