I wish I could teleport
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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