It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
