I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
