You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
