I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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