Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Hippo gnu deer
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
