Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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