its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
