Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
