i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
