I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
