Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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