Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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