the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
