seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
did i just pee glitter
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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