No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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