I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize