Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
