His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
