you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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