I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
