i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
