I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
where are you?
Hypothermia
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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