you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
