i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
