someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
