If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
