all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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