dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
