sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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