dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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