The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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