I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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