I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
