I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
