Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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