I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize