Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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