I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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