Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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