Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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