Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
