just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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