We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
