weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
