The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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