I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize