o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
