No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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