Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
