I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
