How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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