how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
All the doctor said was why
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
