please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
