I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
