you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
