I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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